Care to critique my poem? Please?
"Roses & Whiskey"
Beautiful Tramp sucking slowly on a lit Cigar
Roses & Whiskey
Smoke curls 'round full lips
The room pulses with her breath
Doe eyes blinking
Temptation wears a Black Dress...
Someones Dirty Secret arched against the matted wall
Horror & Ecstasy
Twisting pearls like Men
Around her slender fingers
Ivory chest quivering
Seduction wears Stilettos...
The World's favorite playmate when the lights are turned down low
Worshiped & Damned
Closer than you think
Choking on her breath
Lips loosening
Lust knows your name...
Heaven's Fallen Angel rubs her legs to fuel a spark
Slick & Sweet
Lovely tonic for the lonely
Surrendering to her fire
Soul releasing...
...Sin owns your heart.
And the photo that inspired it:
http://www.writerscafe.org/uploads/stories/12397500-1240976486.jpeg
Tell me what you think. I just recently added the last two stanzas so should I keep them or is the poem better without?
I liked the first three stanzas, and I think it would overall be improved to drop
"Heaven's Fallen Angel rubs her legs to fuel a spark
Slick & Sweet
Lovely tonic for the lonely
Surrendering to her fire
Soul releasing...
...Sin owns your heart."
Although I liked how you've elongated out those final two lines, I feel like it breaks the structure and theme of the poem too much to compensate with the aesthetic value that it brings.
Structurally you may want to start to add steadily increasing (in quantity, not length) spaces between the lines at random intervals, to kind of give the feeling of breath coming quicker which would mirror the general idea of illicit sex that I feel lies underneath your poem.
I also like the idea of ending the poem on/around "lips loosened", because it would literally be ending on her lips, which has a nice ring.
Overall I give it a 3.5/5 (that's pretty high praise from me).
Could you take a look at mine?
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Av40DAvlKmGXF8ezOqORrygazKIX;_ylv=3?qid=20090505185849AAOoYzi
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